The abandoned mission
The corridor darkened, the light started to fade away. The echo of his footsteps broke the silence, he slowly progressed through the corridor. As the man spotted something strange, he stopped. There was nothing but the increasing rhythm of his heart and the shaky legs of his. He knew he never wanted to do this but the fateful world left him with no other choice. For nights and days he wandered around his apartment like a lost soul, he knew he couldn’t live without her. He quickly advanced through the corridor with no hesitation. He found a spot where he he could firmly placed his sniper rifle without no-one noticing, the man set up the gun pointing straight to the parliament house. Any moment now, a guy will walk out, holding the peace agreement treaty paper. He had to kill him and whilst everyone was panicking, his next target would be the barrels just to make sure no evidence of this treaty would never be found. This event will result in another world war between Europe and USSR.
“Why?” he whispered to himself
That sort of question, if the answers and the correct solutions could be given, there’ll be no war, no conflict or any kind of brutal violence anymore. The grim of the old man appeared on his face, he was day dreaming he guess. That’s the place he knew he’d live happily with all his dreams fulfilled.
All of the sudden, he realized what his real intention of going here, quickly grabbed the rifile and there was the target, the treaty paper and the barrel.
He aimed at the prime minister, right at his head, his fingers are shaking, it’s barely touching the trigger, it never wanted to. With a minute of hesitation, he knew there was no other choice.
BANG.
The prime minister fell down as quick as a lightning. He collapse down the stage. It was never an easy decision to made, but he did it. Now, only the barrels to go. Every part of his body is forcing him to do it, everything except for him common sense. He knew he had every intention of killing the prime minister, but getting rid of everyone in the area? That’s not him.
The weather was freezing that night, but that didn’t stop his tears from falling. His fiance was kidnapped in front of his eyes, and there was nothing he could do. He was useless, he felt useless. Days later, he received this mission if he wants his fiance back. There was no choice.
Too concentrated in his mission, he never watched his back. The cops were following his trace back from his apartment, and without any notice, he lead the cops here. He decided to abandoned mission and head back home.
Suddenly, in a fraction of a second, he felt numb on his his neck, At first, he ignored as he thought he was just a small insect. He continued to pack his belongings but soon noticed the increasing numbness spreading in his body. He couldn’t move his head anymore, soon his hands, and now his whole body.
He knew it was over.
There was a dim of light in the corner, everything was darkness, it was impossible to move. He tried to open his eyes, a ray of light prevented him.
He was caught, he knew it was over.
Suddenly, he felt the warmth on the freezing cold hand of his.
“Jay, it’s me. I came back.”
I thought that you have described the settings very well. The twist at the end was great since I thought that his enemy had caught him instead of his love. I think the only downside is some comma splices, and the metaphor for the minister falling down is... quite ineffective. By the way, the word pronounced "Fee-an-ce" is written as "Fiancée" for female and "Fiancé" for male, not "fiance". It is not a criticism, it is just an observation :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Hung, will change it :)
ReplyDeleteNo hard feelings man! :)
ReplyDelete(Y) No prob
ReplyDeleteI like your descriptions and the onomatopoeia simple sentence is also really effective. Perhaps you could add some complex sentences towards the end of your story for a change in speed/mood within the scene. :D
ReplyDeleteI like the twist in the end. But one thing, why did his body go numb when it was his fiancee?
ReplyDeleteI like the twist at the end, too.
ReplyDelete