Hot Air Balloon Riders have always impressed me. I was never bored of watching those big balloons flying over me with some persons which I had never met before and had a bizarre skin colour. One day as a Balloon Rider came to me and asked me a question, but the question was in a language that I couldn’t understand at that time. Well I was only 5 years old and I was called Tawbi at that time. Yes, Tawbi that was my name.
Now I am 9 and I go to school 1 hour a day and 3 days a week just like all of my friends. When my friends proposed to go and play volleyball I said that I was going to the field to see the balloons one more time before they fly off. My friends knew I went there every day but still kept on laughing at me a s they had stopped watching since they were 6. I didn’t care about them my curiosity for those balloons was greater than anything. However today was different as I arrived there was nobody in the bucket bellow the balloon I thought that it was Buddha that gave me a sign and I grab the only hope I might ever have of going inside a hot air balloon.
As I climbed in the bucket I noticed that the sky was getting dark but I didn’t care as I was so impressed by all the valves and containers that made the fire start. I helped my dog in. He was called Longy he was 6 and had adopted me since he met me 2 years ago. We were inseparable. As I fiddled around with the control I accidently turned on the burner and a roaring Yellow flame shoot out of the burner and went flying in the balloon as I tried to stop it the balloon took off and rose to height of 1000 meters. I could see my house and all the tiny people below me shouting me orders in the same language that I couldn’t understand. However my joy went out as quickly as it came as I noticed a big white flash hitting the surface only 200 meters away from me. I was scared to death. I grabbed hold of Longy and went to the corner of the basket. The burner was still roaring. The people were still shouting orders which I could understand, but more importantly I was in danger.
When I woke up the next day I couldn’t see my home town of Bagan anymore. I could only see white powder on the ground. I could only feel cold. The burner had went silent and the only sound heard were my one breath and the wind. This wind that was pushing further away from my home. This wind that was taking the last few resources that I had out of me. This wind was Death’s breath coming to me before he took me to his home. I was starving. I felt my head get numb. I slowly drifted away and though of my mom one last time.
I woke up in a strange environment. The trees were grey, hard and cold. The noise was deafening and the smell was unbearable. I was indeed in Hell. As I went off the Balloon my dog was by my side as usual and I knew he will be with me forever. As I walked down the road I saw a lot of people who had grey faces and didn’t talk to each other. Everything was wrong in here all the surfaces were grey: the roads, the trees and even the people! As I thought that I was going to stay here forever I fell to the ground my eyes started to get wet my though got blurry and I cried. I cried like never before. I cried and cried but people just went around me without even looking. Until this person came. This person was all in colours he had a smile on his face and had the same clothes as mine. Not the black clothes that people were around me. He came to me and said:
-Why are you crying young boy? Where are your parents?
I was shocked I understood him. I said:
-You speak my language?
The man laughed loudly and said:
-Of coursed I do I come from the same country as you. You even wear the costum of my home town of Bagan.
- But we are in Hell
-No, he said laughing, we are just in Shangaii. It is very different form our country.
I cried again. He took me in his arms and said it is over you are safe now I will bring you home.
9 years later
Now I am in Bagan again my story became popular the man who saved me became my dad. I have two brothers now and I am now The Burman Hot Air Balloon Rider.
A great story. Although, I would suggest on improving your ending and make it a bit stronger. You could include a twist, for example. I think many people would say "So what?" if you have this ending in a short story. In a long story, it might have worked because it gives a sense of finality but in a short story, you want to "grip" the audience and make them wonder :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I like how it relates to your holiday - Burma and Hot Air Balloons :D
ReplyDeleteI agree with Hung, maybe the ending could have been a bit more gripping or intriguing, but I like your story. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks I will work on my ending and will look forward to your feed back
ReplyDelete