Friday, February 4, 2011

My short story

Prison Escape

They were there. They were always there. Through the 4cm thick shiny silver metal door, they could be seen everywhere. Their omnipresence was inevitable part of this building. Those people with fine blue police suits, revolvers, and long metal batons were always watching those with black and white striped clothes who were inside the cells. Their hatred was evident in their eyes. Their eyes were filled with burning fire. Those eyes were intimidating, but negligible.

My name is Lechecin. I am in room 413. Twelve years has passed since I came into this jail. I’ve been here for a long time, but I still cannot detach my feeling toward my wife and my children. I still miss them and think about them everyday. My family photo is the only thing that makes me able to sustain this horrible life. Without my photo, I think I might go crazy. Other prisoners said that was just stupid, but it is not my fault that I cannot control my emotion, and that was my usual life.

Desire to escape from this jail is already gone. The ubiquitous policemen have already driven out these desires. Also, the prison is a terrible labyrinth that no one has ever achieved to escape. Other prisoners all agreed on that. Maybe that is why other people call this prison horrible. All the prisoners just live in here like a robot. No hope and no feeling. They just work in the field enthusiastically. Maybe I was the only person who hasn’t given up hope and has feeling toward my family. I wanted to forget about them since I came here, but that is not easy.

I worked very hard today. I don’t know why but I just did. I started working hard. At first others looked at me curiously, but soon they ignored me. One day, I was having lunch with a prisoner next to my cell as usual. His name was Compano. I was very close with him because he was not like other prisoners. He was like me. He also had a family outside the prison. He told me that I was quite abnormal today. I just ignored him.

I worked very hard all week. As I worked hard, I felt void. But that didn’t matter. That felt better. After finishing today’s morning work, I ate lunch with Compano. Today’s lunch included pork which had some blood on it, but I just ate it. Abruptly, Compano told me that he misses his family, and told me his memories with his family and how happy he was. He stopped talking when the lunch was over. Then he suddenly left me. I couldn’t understand why he was behaving like that, but as usual, I just ignored him.

That night I couldn’t sleep well. I couldn’t understand why. Nothing aggravated me and I had the usual same day, but I couldn’t sleep that night. Then I stood up and looked at my family photo. At that moment, I found that I had completely forgotten about my family for a week, or maybe two weeks. Then I thought about things that Compano told me today. Then I realized how happy I was when I was with my family. I promised myself that I will escape from this prison and meet my family.

Compano died. The guards told me that he was shot while trying to escape. I imagined about his family. They would be crying all day. Then I promised myself that I will never make my family sad. But since his death, I felt lonely. Maybe it’s because he was very similar to me, and the only similar person. All the other prisoners felt like antisocial people to me. But I didn’t care. I was only thinking about a way to escape from this hell.

From the distance, I heard the loud announcement, “Prisoner in the cell 413 is missing. All the guards need to search him as soon as possible……” I felt relieved. I was already about five kilometers from the jail. While going to my home, I kidnapped one man to steal his car, clothes and money. I shaved my beard and mustache, and cut all my hair. I looked like a normal person. I looked different.

After a few hours of driving, I reached my house. I was so happy. The house didn’t change at all. It was the same house. I couldn’t stop smiling. I ran. I ran toward the house. I opened the door quickly. I shouted my wife and children’s names. But I felt weird. It was too quiet. The house was messy. No one answered me. I was scared. I looked for them, but they weren’t there. Television was turned on. Then I heard the news.
“Due to the escape of the prisoner in the jail, the police decided that his family will be shot to death……”

I think this story is really bad. Seriously this story is bad.

5 comments:

  1. I like the story. However, the ending is so sad. I think it would be better if you let him see the light of his house, maybe the dinner table that still has food or a TV with his children favourite programs but nobody there instead of everything felt in silence.
    Plus, the polices should have kept his family till they got him back to jail or just stayed around the house waiting for him. I don't think they would have killed innocent people such as his wife or children.
    But that's just my opinion. :)

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  2. I like how your last paragraph is all made of short sentences and your previous paragraphs are made of various types of sentences. c:

    I agree with Tram: maybe the police wouldn't have killed his family just because he went missing. Maybe you can make him choose between his own freedom or his family's.

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  3. I agree with Tram's and Emma's comments wholeheartedly and thought that a police (in this world) would not do a thing like that. Perhaps you can still retain the ending but instead of them being killed by the police, make the wife commit suicide and take you children with you or something like that. Otherwise, a great story. The only improvement I could think of is to leave us with a cliff hanger in the middle of the story because all your story seems is just revelations of facts after facts. There are no pauses. If you just add a tiny pause, it would be great :)

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  4. The ending was really sad, but in my opinion don't change it, cause that's what makes your story unique

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  5. i like your story overall, but i dont really like the ending since the front bits really good but it seems to kinda decrease later on.

    just saying will jameica

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